We are headed to a funeral this weekend.  A daughter of a family that our family grew up with.  Our sisters are best friends.  She was 22.  There are so many people that this has devastated.  Her name is Chelsey.  She has 6 siblings.  Like me, she has sisters that she is super close to.

What do you say to someone that this happens to?  If I were you I'd be curled up in a fetile position bawling my eyes out.  I would be in such a state of shock and despair.  I can't even imagine the thought of losing one of my sisters.  And she was so young.  And has a beautiful little daughter too.  It was a car accident.  

I just want to tell them that I'm so so so sorry.  And hug them.  And I wish I could take the pain away.  I wish I could go back to the moment that the car hit her.. and just make the stupid car disappear.  

I haven't seen Chelsey since she was 5.  I used to babysit her and some of her siblings so her parents could be the rec leaders at our camp.  So it's hard, because I really haven't been a part of her life.  I haven't seen her for 15 years.  I knew her from birth until age 7.  I spent time at their house and went cutting firewood with them.  

She grew up.  She went to college.  She had a daughter.  And with one bad decision in driving (by someone else), her life ended.  

I've never lost a sibling myself.  I can't imagine it.  I can't begin to guess the depths of grief that her family will go thru.  Do you erect a memorial shrine in your house for them?  Do you say a prayer for them everynight? Do you light a candle for them? Do you ever really stop crying?  When I lost my grandpa I bawled my eyes out for a year.  Soul crushing sobs. That was back in 96, and I still have days that I wake up thinking I'm talking to him. And that was my grandpa, not my sister.  Someone that I have talked to almost every day of my life.

The Chelsey above in the white dress is the one that I remember.
The one below is the beautiful woman that she grew up to be.

Chelsey.
You are loved.
You will be missed.

I tried to get them to stand there and look pretty for a First Day of School Pose... but at least they're happy!! :)

My Dearest Austin,
It seems like only yesterday that you were starting your 4th grade at your new school.  You were so Independant and insisted on walking the 1/2 mile there with the neighbor kid (No Mom, I DON'T want you to walk with me).   Although over the next 3 years you would let me join you off and on without too much of a fuss (as long as I didn't cross the street with you when we got to the school).  Now you aren't sure if you are Grown Up or Still Need Mommy.  One second you're all mouth and making me sooo angry that I loose sight of the fact that you really are only 13.  But you remind me you still are my Little Boy when you're crying over an ingrown leg hair (the fact that you are growing leg & armpit hair just depresses me all the more).  7th Grade starts on Wed for you.  I want you to know that no matter what we are here for you.  It doesn't matter how late at night it is (and yes, I'm sticking to making you have a bedtime Young Man) our door is always open.  I'm going to still torture you guys with a bedtime story.  And I will eat breakfast with you all every morning (even if it does take you longer to do your Beiber-esque hair than it does for me).  And this year I promise to hold to Homework after school.  Your little girlfriend can just wait (Girlfriend?? Another AAAHH moment).  You will feel better about yourself if you can catch on and not fall behind.  I know you might not be the Straight A student, but I want you to do the best you can be, not the best you want to just slide by with.  I love you.

Dear Xav,
I love the fact that after the past 6 years with Larry, that you two have wholeheartedly claimed him as dad.  This is Dad to you.  And I love it.  Tomorrow is grade 4 for you and I know that you have mixed feelings about it.  The other kids will talk too much while the teacher is teaching and it will drive you crazy.  You'd really just like it if your brain would slow down enough that your hands and words could catch up.  But dang it if all of the noises of rude kids doesn't just drive you bonkers.  Hopefully this new school is able to help you on your level.  We even found you one of those zip up hoodies that have a face to it, like you wanted.  We'll be sure and even spike up your War Hawk to make sure everyone knows what your signature hair cut looks like.  Don't worry, I signed up to be a volunteer, and I'm ready to come to the classroom whenever you need me there.  I'm sorry if I'm not a very good teacher, but I'm willing to help whenever I can!  I'm behind you guys no matter what!  Remember that no matter how much you process life differently than some kids, no one has the right to bully you for it.  We love you no matter what!!

In 41 days Twin gets to have the pleasure of Mommy & Daddy seeing her in Germany.
I miss Twin.  It's been 16 months since I've seen Twin.  We video chat (not often enough) and text and/or talk daily.  But like I've tried to explain to my children, it is NOT the same thing as being able to hug and touch my very best friend in the entire world since birth.  Literally.  I popped out of the womb 12 minutes AFTER her (I like to write "before" her instead of "after" so I can pretend to be 1st).  And since than (33 years, 3 months and 21 hours ago) we have never gone longer than 3 months without seeing each other.  Until she temporarily relocated to the far-away country she's in right now.  And it will be a little less than two years until she gets to move back to the same country as me again.  And I don't know when I get to see her again.  Probably not until next summer. In other words "too long."  I've tried to sneak my way into our parents luggage for the flight.  But they insist on wanting room for their stuff too. Hmph.  I can't be All About Me though.  All of us girls love our parents dearly.  And this will be a fabulous visit for all of them.  We have to have our Mommy & Daddy fixes.  And we are blessed.  No matter where we've lived, they've pinched pennies & rearranged schedules to come visit. 

Love you Twin.  Miss you.  Snuggling in the blankie you made me.

It was one small step for Mom... and one LARGE STEP for Mommy's everywhere.

Dinner time was simple.  And Mommy even helped Daddy make it (and she didn't burn anything either!!).
BBQ chicken - drumsticks & boneless skinless breasts
Rice-a-roni (aka -- flavored rice in a box)
Corn (2 cans - the cheapo stuff off the shelf).

And my children. Yes, MY CHILDREN. Gobbled it up like Thanksgiving Dinner.

I haven't seen a fork fly so fast into their mouths.
I'm pretty sure my own mouth flew open in shock and amazement.

They not only INHALED their food, without the typical whining, nagging, begging, whining from Mom.... but THEY ASKED FOR SECONDS!
I looked under the table, and in the frig, for my REAL CHILDREN. (because obviously these were clones left here by aliens)... and I COULDN'T FIND THEM!

I will be sure and leave a plate of cookies and milk out for them tonight... as well as the key under the mat... so ET can bring them home when they're done with them... but for right now & in this moment -- I'll enjoy the Little Monsters that ARE ACTUALLY enjoying their dinner.

**
Too often I feel like I'm a failure as a parent.  I snapped at them when I shouldn't.  They cuss like sailors and they shouldn't.  I slack at making them do chores on a regular basis.  They still wet the bed from time to time.  They aren't good at math.  I'm a terrible procrastinator.  I don't read to them enough before bed.  I let them stay up watching tv with dad (while it's summertime) and I sneak off to go to bed.  I tend to give in because it's easier.  I'm not as firm as I should be with things.  But at this moment, when they're eating, and not giving me attitude... I feel like I actually succeeded in something.  I'm a Winner!! Chalk One Up For Me!  Woohooo!!!
*** 

I have a confession to make.  Lately driving scares the bejeezus out of me.  If I'm in the driver's seat I have random brief moments where I'll find I've spaced out to La La Land.  I'll be Little Miss Space Cadet and the next thing you know I'm miles past where I once was, and not real sure of how long I've been out of it.  Thanking the Good Lord that He kept me from wrecking.  And when I try really Really REALLY hard to pay attention?  Ya. Not a whole lot better.  The cars that are flying towards me in the other lane make my heart skip a beat.  They're going SO FAST.  And all it takes is one minor nano glitch and they could wing me and I'd be toast!  GAH!! I did used to be like this.  Twin & I's first car was a 74 Plymouth Fury.  It was a beast.  A big beautiful beast.  Can you say Indestructable? We'd cranky that baby up for all she was worth and she'd purr.  I clipped a guard rail with that thing and she didn't even budge.  I watched my passenger tire fly - hubccab first - across the road, and (after a bit of shaking) just chugged right on over.  Not even one second of doubt in her.  My pride and joy was my yellow Lancer.  She was pretty.  And fast.  And could take a corner on a dime.  And I loved to make her zoom zoom zoom.  Loved it!  I took her on snow, ice, rain, dirt... and she took it all in stride.  Never did have issues with driving until the past few years.  It could be because I've gotten spoiled and the Hubster does it all.  He drives nice and safe, like all grandpa's should.  No road rage there (unless it's me whining about why he's driving 65 in a 65).   He always takes the safe option when it comes to driving.  He'll let them go around.  No sense in hurting the family!  And up until recently I could tune him out.  I'd wrap my head around a good book and I was set.  But now it's not always that great.  We live on the Oregon coast.  Which means it's a beautiful 45 minute windy windy road back to a Town.  And when there are 35 MPH corners, it means 35.  He likes to test my nerves (and the kids delight) by being a Wild Man and going much faster.  In fact if I see the speedometer going anything over 5 over the recommended Curvy Road Signs I start freaking out internally.  It is not pretty.  I turn white.  My heart starts clenching.  Palms get sweaty.  I try to read, but then my motion sickness kicks in.  He lets me drive most of the time, because he doesn't want me throwing up (I did that once - right out the truck window - without a warning - and he's been very careful to not re-live that).  The kids, of course, hate it.  Mom doesn't drive like Dad.  Booo. Hiisssss.  Don't let me lead you to believe it's Butch's driving only, cuz it's not.  Pretty much all people that drive me places freak me out.  Not sure why.  Ironically enough Butch drives the safest of anyone I know.  But lately I've still taken to panic attacks!  Far cry from the girl who LOVED to ride the back of the (now ex) hubby's motorcycle down the I-5 corridor.  It was AWESOME!  Now the notion of climbing on the back of those terrorizes me!  At the 4th of July my aunt & I climbed in the back of a jeep for some 4xing on the dunes.  Also made me want to cry. 

So I've looked it up.  And this is what I've found...

Amaxophobia... the fear of riding in a car..... yep... I've turned into a 33 year old wuss. Ugh.

Dear Google.... how does one rid 5 five-week old kittens from fleas??
Dear Girly Girl... here's how....

Step 1.  Cover all skin with non-slip, Batman-strength, protective coating.
Improv 1. Since I am short the $4.92 billion to purchase that, I opted for a pair of rubber gloves.  Somewhere in between kitten #2 and kitten #4 they were pretty shredded.  And I was too wet & cranky to bother putting a new pair on when I gave up & tossed the ones I'd been wearing in the garbage.

Step 2. Using Galactic Starfighter Yoda Lightsabre, declaw all four paws. 
Improv 2.  Yoda decided not to share.  Trying to avoid being scratched is futile.
Note to Self 2. Keep plenty of hydrogen peroxide, band-aids and neosporin handy.  You're probably gonna need it.

Step 3. Get your hands on one of Ethan Hunt's favorite tools.  The pointy zapper that will fry all bugs in a 1-mile radius in .43 seconds.
Improv 3. *Sigh* Wet it, smother it in dish soap, let it sit for 5 minutes, cry along with miserable wet fur ball, rinse off. *Sob violently* REPEAT, pry claws from hands, arms, teeth biting wrist, claws, blood, claws
Note to Self 3. Thanks google.  Bathing kittens was a STUPID idea.  And it was an even stupider ACTION!! Somewher between kitten 3 & 4 I gave up on the "repeat" idea.  By Kitten 5 the time it sat went from 5 minutes to around 3.
 

Step 4. Wiggle your nose, snap your fingers, wave your magic wand and *poof* no more fleas! Also Note the FLYING PIGS outside your window.
Improv 4.  It's called a Flea Comb.  And a cup of warm soapy water.  Petroleum Jelly.  Wipe some of the PJ on the base of the comb.  Comb the cranky feline.  Starting at the head and working to the tail.  The PJ will help the squirming live ones stay on.  Rinse the comb in the cup of warm water.  And REPEAT. And REPEAT.  And wonder why El Diablo was allowed to creat these animals, when he was hitting up the cuervo...
Note to Self 4. Allegedly the dish soap smothers the fleas to their deaths.  You can also discount the notion that rinsing the animal delicately from head to tail is as easy as the You Tube videos you found.   

Step 5.  At this point in the game the 5 hands that God gave you are full with mounds of fur and happiness and singing and dancing ponies.  You're wonderful husband is patiently hovering next to you with a towel, BEGGING to help you! OBLIGE HIM!
Improv 5. Find the first shmuck you can find.  Have him vacuum the entire house.  Taking care to dump the pre-vacuum and post-vacuum bags outside.  It helps greatly if you can nag at him the entire time he's pissing & moaning.  Once this is done you can attempt to either A) pour salt or B) diatamaceous earth all over the carpet.  We tried the salt.  A few times.  Now we're trying the DE. 
Note to Self 5. This is the point in the game that dropping to your knees and praying FERVENTLY probably wouldn't hurt.
Note to Self 5.5  Don't vacuum or sweep this up.  Let it sit a day or few before vacuuming.  If you try and sweep it in you're gonna kick up some nasty dust that noone needs to be breathing. No ma'am.

Step 6. Treat yourself to a 4-course lobster dinner dressed to the nines.  Break out all the swag.  Wash it down with a bottle of wine.  Enjoy a delicious fried ice cream for dessert. Nom nom.
Improv 6. Or not. You could save your hard earned dough and just get a bottle of apple cider vinegar.  Spray the kitty kitties down with it.  The darth vader vermin supposedly don't like the flavor of the vinegary blood. I'm wondering if this will actually work either.
Note to Self 6. The smell will go away eventually.

Is this going to magically fix everything?
(To quote my little sister...)
Of course it isn't, Dorothy.
Where do you think you are, Oz?


**Oops... quick Safety Tip #7.  To save your jugular vein from death & dismemberment, I would highly recommend taking Mommy Kitty and locking her in a bathroom or somewhere.  She will cry, yell and make a ruckus.  But the noise on the ears is much less painful that what she'll do to you if she has to listen to the cat-er-walling those babies are doing!

I woke up at 5:30am this morning to Nala biting my fingers.  Get up Mom! I need you to pet me!  I roll over to check out the time on my cell phone & notice a missed call and voice mail from the kids step-mom from 11pm last night.  Hmmm... So bleary eyed I haul it downstairs to check and see what's up.  Looks like we'll be delaying our trip to their house.  It was scheduled for a meet & give them the boys today and we'd get them back in a week.  We didn't want them to go & the boys didn't want to go.  But since it's been 6 weeks since the last visit, and the last long visit before school starts, we were all sucking it up and just doing it.  I was so excited to get her message "J has to go to this class to keep his arms certification and it's 3 8-hr days blahblahblah and we will just try and shoot for next weekend blahblahblah"  I was so excited that I called Twin to join in I almost woke up my whole house at 5am to tell them the good news.  Sing it Sister ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! 
I'm not telling you this to go on a Soapbox vendetta on him.  Because I could and I won't.  I just got the boys back from being gone the past two weeks.  Xav was with his cousin Kaylub in Madras at my parents house.  Austin was in Illinois having a fabulous time with my sister.   Xav's been home 5 days (today) and Austin we picked up from the airport on Tues.  So I miss my little guys and wasn't really looking forward to them being gone already. 
It looks like Butch & I will be getting some groceries today and treated the house fleas with some salt. I'm soooo excited!!! It's really sad when that gets you excited.  Stupid fleas.  Maybe I should get some pet ants to eat them?  Hmmmm.  Can I buy pet ants?  Maybe I should just pick up an ant farm and "accidentally" let them all out?  Can I buy an ant farm?  Hmmmm...

My cat is driving me nuts right now.
Technically we have 8 in our house.  That's about 6.5 too many if you ask me.
We have the 4 year old (a 2X Mama) Midnight (got her at 6 weeks old)
We have the 8 month old Nala (got her in February)
We have Fluffy (who turned 6 wks May 15th.. she's from Midnight's 1st litter).
And we currently have 5 babies who just turned 4 weeks... Midnight's 2nd litter:
Butch, the Gray one, Baldy, Pretty, Runty.

I want to take all of the babies and Midnight to the pet store.
The boys (and hubby) want to keep Butch. (He's a white Siamese looking one)
Today we were debating keeping Fluffy, Nala & Butch only..

My cats are a bit spoiled.  3 litter boxes that I scoop (at least) twice daily.  They have a big auto-feeder of dry food.  Kitten food on the floor level, and big cat food up on a higher shelf.  They get a can of wet food in the mornings.  Sometimes in the afternoon, because Midnight's hunger is insatiable because she's nursing.

I vacuum/sweep/wipe down bathrooms/clean kitchens every day.  The house is clean.

And yet we have suddenly developed fleas! Ugh!! I need to get some diatomaceous earth, because it's something I can treat the house with that is safe for the babies and will kill the fleas.  But our town is so small they have to get more & they won't be in until Monday!! I've been attacking all of the cats with a flea comb daily... and that's time consuming and only helps for a brief moment.  I have been combing the internet for kitten safe remedies.  We saw a suggestion of lavendar, but all I could find at the store was a lavendar febreeze.  We've been spraying the house with that, but can't exactly spray the animals.  I don't even want to give the grown up cats the flea drops, because they interact a lot with the babies, and it's not safe for the babies.  And I don't want an excuse for more of them to live on the babies.  Butch (the hubby, not the cat) has taken to spraying himself with Off!  Trying to give a valiant effort, since he's the only human they like to snack on in the house.

Midnight has taken to begging something fierce.  And the wet & dry food just doesn't suppress her appetite. Either that or she is just a pain in the butt who likes to eat.  Gah!! She doesn't just cry, oh no, she climbs on you, on the table, the counters, the couch.  I spray her with water and it pisses her off for about half a second.  Than she's right back to wherever the heck you don't want her to be.  Crying. 

None of my cats have ever been this obnoxious!!

Up until now, I've been a pretty happy cat person.  But today I am NOT.  Midnight is making me sooo angry!!!