No matter how much I don't focus on how far away you are or the fact that it is going to be too long until I get to actually be able to have you with me again, the thought is always there.
I try and smile and keep going with the things that revolve in my day to day life, instead of curling up in my bed rocking to and fro in a sad ball because I can't function without you.
My kids aren't fooled by it at all and ask me why I seem so sad and why I don't smile that often. In fact when you are here they point out how much more I'm smiling than normal, so that I know how unhappy I usually am.
It's nothing I have control over because it's the core of my being and been part of me since birth. We have always been together. They tried to separate us with different teachers in grade school, and yet we still found each other every available second we could - like recess and bus time and church. We didn't choose to dress alike or look alike or do our hair alike. We had our own personalities and yet like magnets we've always been hooked to each other. My very best friend. The person who has loved me no matter what, who never fails to point out my flaws and yet hugs me through it all.
I have tried and tried to adjust to the fact that the past 8 years we have not been able to live near each other, and it could be the next 12 before we can. And. It. Breaks. My. Heart. I need you near me like a dying man needs water. My soul feeds off of you. It needs you to survive.
I had hopes for a magnificent trip to see you even though I know down in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't get that lucky. But the dissapointment was still crushing. Is still heart wrenching. I'm choosing not to dwell on it too much. I miss you so much. I can't be angry at you. At him. The jobs you two have are so mind-blowing, life-changing that I wish I could be side-by-side with you doing it. Holding hands. Being what solace we can be. It's what we do. And yet I can't. And it makes me sad.
I love video-calls. Seeing your face. Talking to you every day helps me fool myself into not thinking you are right by me talking to me. But it doesn't fool me completely. The ache is still there. It's always there.
I don't know the way to describe it. It's like part of me is always missing. I try to fill it. With my job, with raising my kids, with god, with meditation, with church, with my hair growth/cuts, with working out, with dieting, with activities. And yet no matter what I do I can't put myself 100% into it. I always have this nagging feeling like something is mising. It's probably why after almost four years, our house still doesn't feel like home, the furniture is just never Just Right, my hair isn't ever a style I can stick with long term, I can't rock the clothing the way you do. I'm never satisfied.
I try to focus on The Moment I'm in, and yet I feel like my kids can see thru my transparency. They know that they don't have All of mommy's attention. But there is no way to change that. There is no way to grow your hand back when it's gone. There is no way to replace you with another friend. I wouldn't want to try. I've had PT friends to hang out with as distractions in the meantime, and yet I just end up getting annoyed. Because they end up being fake and we don't have enough in common. Since I don't have many friends, I blindly will trust them. I blindly assume that they aren't liars.
I often feel like being here and life is just my way of killing time until we can be near again. And I'm missing moments I'm in now because I can't fully focus on life. And yet I am focusing and smiling and taking pictures. The moments just aren't the same because you aren't here and in them too. I want you to be here experiencing it to. You need to see them playing Little League for the first time. You need to see Austin's feet bigger than ours. You need to help me better react to them being mouthy little monsters. You help me put in perspective what's going on around me. You have the ability to see what I'm doing and rationalize it. You look at things in a way I don't. My brain doesn't look at it like that. I overanalyze some things, but I can't do it Big Scale the way you can. My brain just doesn't have that capacity. You can do all those things that I just am not able to do. And I wish you were closer by so you could do that for me. I have a Butch, though, and he's taking care of me for you. But he's not you Twin. He's not my Twin. And I miss my Twin. So much.
Good Night Twin.
Gonna go have a good cry, get lost in a book that I picked up from the library, and get some sleep.
Tomorrow is just another day closer until .......you.....