What the hell did I do wrong?  Did I eat one too many jalapenos when he was in the womb?  Did I take one too many naps?  Do I swear too much?  Is it because I haven't mastered the Count To 10 Before I Respond thing?  Is it because I need to get our whole family plugged into God 24x7?  Is it the music we listen too?  Is it because I am too nice to them?  Do I not smack them enough?  Should I practice backhanding them for being mouthy?  Is it true that if I just spank the shit out of them a few times they'll respect me more?  What are all the tricks Super Nanny says to do? WTF is the secret that I don't do?  Is it because I spend too much time doing chores and not enough time nagging at them to do theirs?

This is the crap that rolls around in my head DAILY. 

I can't begin to tell you the amount of boiling jealousy I feel when I see the families in the store with the lines of kids that are actually BEHAVING and not constantly fighting with each other.  The perfect little preppy family at the soccer sidelines, all BEHAVING (I hate preppies... but the BEHAVING part is pfffffttt).  The little families at church with their well mannered kids who are BEHAVING.  The ones at the grocery stores with their parents BEHAVING.  The ones at the school shin-digs BEHAING.  I think you get the picture.

Mine behave when they want to.. Which is more often than not -- not when WE want them too.  No amount of wall sits, sentences, grounding, lack of dessert, yelling, swearing, crying, bribing, spankings, game-takings-away changes that either.  It. Doesn't. Matter.  If they want to be Little Shits it's Gonna Happen.  

Where's the magic button?  What's the secret? How do you turn a 12 year old mouthy disrespectful, ungrateful little shit into a normal human being?  He wasn't like this when he was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8!! From about 9 on he turned into this little three headed monster.  This child that makes it a point to only have sarcastic rude mouthy things come out in response to any and every thing we say or do.  

And he's way past my patience level too.  I'm so exhausted and done with being able to deal with it.  No amount of Mommy Time Outs or Naps brings me completely back from it.  I find myself going toe-to-toe and screaming matches and f*ck for f*ck with the little shit more times that I'd like to count.  It's such an instant knee jerk reaction.  Sure... it's easy to preach to someone to "stop" and "count to 10" but when that little f*cker reacts like he does there is NO thought on your mind.  Your mouth rolls before you know that it does. 

I would have just appreciated a heads up.  You know... before I let that sperm enter my womb.

Oh -- hey. By the way.  That adorable little fetus you wish for now?  The one that will come with itsy bitsy finger nails and the cutest little dimples? He'll crawl and goo and have adorable little chubby rolls.  When he's 5 he'll start telling you "I hate you" every morning when you get him ready for school.  Yep.  I know that it sounds like you can handle it now.  But it will make you cry.  I guarantee it.  And when he's 11 he'll take to screaming at you.  And when you and Hubby #2. Yes I said #2, that means this Loser will be gone by than.  Anyways, when the two of you want to go on dates, when they're at #1's house.  Because like I said, you'll be with #2 by than.  When the 11 year old finds out you had the gall to see movie's without him, he'll throw a fit.  His brother of course will think it's great.  Yes, I said you'll have two.  Oh & did I tell you?  If you think mouthy is horrid, be prepared for the hyper one.  He'll be bouncing off the walls when he hits 1, and won't slow down as he gets older either.  So just so you know, before you start incubating these things.  They will NOT be as behaving and wonderful and your friends kids seem.  In fact they'll be NOTHING like that.  No matter how GREAT you think you'll treat them, you might as well give it up now.  Don't bother memorizing those parenting books you just bought, because that crap might as well go out the window now.  I recommend picking up smoking and drinking.  Because there's no way you'll be able to sneak that habbit in when they're 12 & 9.  Because believe me, you won't and when they're that age you'll wish you did.  And when you get tempted to, the whiny mouthy little brats will break out into tears because they'll know it's their fault.  And you'll decide not to, because they're so sweet. For that 30 seconds of the day that is.  The other 23 hrs & 30 seconds they'll be 100% boy.  And not the pansy ass, softy boys neither.  Nope -- the 100% fighting, mouthy, hands-on, dirt loving, video game playing, gun loving, love-their-mama boys.  So.. Good Luck!!
10/26/2011 01:37:42

Trust me Twin.

10/26/2011 01:38:22

Did I mention I still want to become like you? A little fitter ... and a parent. Crazy right?
P.S. It's 'I'm Not Crazy! My mother had me tested'

11/3/2011 20:03:45

Lady do I hear you... My knucklehead is THIS close to getting told to fit in or fuck off right now. Seriously. He's 20 years old and we fight daily because he talks to me like he owns me. He reckons he doesn't need his meds, which makes him moody and argumentative and a pain in the arse, and beyond reasoning with.

11/4/2011 17:31:56

I try to cherish their Good Moments and forget the crappy ones. Butch likes to dwell on and simmer and throw in their faces their crappy ones. And than I yell at Butch for it. Because they are KIDS for crying out loud. It's what they DO!! (Not that I'm not hiding in my closet hoping for a few minutes of Time Out from all of the BS tantrums they're all doing...lol)


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    Dear Twin... sometimes words come out of my mouth before my brain has a chance to stop them... well aint that the life...


    Some people make parenting look sooo easy.  They are big fat liar pants.  Parenting is hard.  Kids can be awful.  They don't come with an Instruction Manual.  I started young and have grown up with them.  We have gone through a lot together.  And I would have never been able to do it without the wonderful family I have.  I started blogging because of Twin.  She said that it wasn't nice of me to take a Bad Day out on the Hubby or the Brats.  And so this began.... it's my Rantings From The Time Out Corner... because, let's face it - when I'm full on Cranky Pants... my hubby doesn't fail to make me go Sit One Out for the Team.  (for more see ME above)

    I would like your thoughts, help, comments, feedback. I am not a robot!

    No matter how serious life gets, you still gotta have that one person you can be completely stupid with