i'm ignoring the voices in my head

I spent 13 year, 21 days, 9 hours and 42.5, 6, 7 seconds agonizing over how I've raised him so far.  I didn't do enough creative crafts with him like all of the other Perfect Mothers show on their I'm An Awesome Hip Mom blogs.  I let him entertain himself with cheerios and the playstation while I would nap with his infant brother (right next to him on the couch) so I could have a few hours of sleep before I headed off to my next graveyard shift at the casino.  I gave birth to his brother, and spent the quality 3-year-old stage of his life trying to nurse him and split my attention between them both.  5 days after his 5th birthday I packed up all of his (their) possessions and I moved us hours away from his daddy and started our life over.  (Because, no matter how much he didn't understand it at the time, mommy couldn't deal with one more moment with sharing a house with daddy AND his gfriend.  We AREN'T mormons and AREN'TS practicing polygamists and I DON'T WANT TO HEAR one more "I love you" and "i love you too" and I DON'T want my kids growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to live.)  But I did tell him all of that, rather frankly, as soon as he began asking why we divorced.  There's no point in sugarcoating the reality of his life.  I've always gone out of my way to make sure he sees his real father.  No, we've never lived closer than 1.5 hours from him since we've done the D word, but they have never gone more than 1 month tops without a weekend (or longer visit).  I agonize every second they're there.  I tear myself up for not parenting him (Them) better.  I should read more to them at night.  I should do more family game night.  I should make him be more responsible more himself, and stop picking up after him, so he doesn't grow up into being lazy and dependant on me.  I should spend more time with him.  Than he turned 13 a few months ago and we moved here a months later AND EVERYTHING CHANGED.  He no longer wets the bed.  He jumps into the shower every morning.  He grew his hair out like Bieber and combs it and wears hats.  He is as tall as me.  And his feet are bigger.  He has a girlfriend and they hold hands and hug and kiss.  Last week he jumped more firsts for me.  I dumped 5 of them (he was the only boy) off at youth group.  What?  You want to go hang out at church with other teens your age?  I will guilt-free drop you off right now!! Stack them in the car... who cares if there's enough seat belts!! Two days later they all got dropped off to watch his first HS Varsity Fball game.  Heck YES you can go and NO I won't follow you around sneaking behind trash cans to make sure you're safe.  We let him walk 3 blocks to Fred Meyers to hit the redbox movie rentals for us.  We give him cash and let him run to the Dollar Store (next to Freddy's) for snacks and drinks.  My baby is growing up.  I've torn myself up over things up until now.  It's weird how I'm actually - and surprisingly - enjoying this phase of his life.  When he's like a mini adult.  Yes he still has mood swings.  He yells right back at me when I yell at him.  He cries like a girl at the drop of a hat.  But we have a fun new way of handling his attitude.  We HUG it out.  And he hates it.  Butch and I come site by him on the couch and give him hugs... until he finally (and this can take ahile... a lot of yelling and irritation on his part) just caves.  He doesn't know what to do!  My baby is no longer my baby.  Why Butch can I start over with another?  Not unless you want a) another Xav or b) me to be 60 years old when it graduates HS.  *sigh*  I need to break out the camera and get more embarassing shots of him...